WHERE HAVE I BEEN??

When I started this blog my goal was to write about 4 posts a week. I don’t want you to feel over burdened with updates from WENDY!!! Wendy all the time could get a little taxing… just ask my husband! But I haven’t posted anything in quite awhile. Yes life has been busy. Domi’s football team made it to the Superbowl!! So we’ve been planning for that this weekend. Eva has had cheer competitions and practices to get ready for the Superbowl. And yes there was a little something called Campaign 2012 that added to my workload. But those really haven’t been the main reasons to not post. I finally figured out what it comes down to is an overwhelming sense of anxiety caused by surviving the first year of holidays without my mom. It’s like I’ve been on a wave for the past year, paddling just to stay afloat, but the wave is growing and becoming monstrous and gigantic and threatening to bury me with an endless shower of tears. Forcing me under where I can’t breathe. Keeping me down in the darkness. I’m afraid of that wave crashing on top of me. But I know it’s coming, I sense it every day in the back of my throat as I gulp back tears. And sadness is not motivating. It makes me want to sit quietly and hope I don’t get noticed. And while I have lots of fun, quirky things to share with all of you from life on the ranch, my training, etc., suddenly it seems uninteresting. My sadness is dulling my sense of humor. And that’s why I’m writing this post. Because I have to get back out there. I needed to explain where I am in the hopes it will shed some layers of depression. I want to write funny posts but have felt like a fraud because deep within me I’m crying. So there it is. My purge. My crashing to the bottom of the ocean. My wave is on top of me… and I’m surviving it. I’ve taken the first small strokes to the surface by writing this post. The next two months will be about my slow swim back to the sunlight from the depths of my holiday sadness. And then I’ll start paddling out to sea in the hopes of catching another wave that I can ride for awhile. I know it too will crash on top of me but that’s ok. I’m surviving this wave and I’ll survive the next one too. Have you felt this way?  Do you know what I’m talking about?  Am I making any sense??  Man, grief messes with your mind!!  And now I’m going to go eat a bowl of ice cream!